I felt compelled to write my entire story of my relationship with food this morning because some people don’t buy that there is a psychology to eating….so here I go.

When I was a very little girl, I could eat whatever I wanted and I was always about average. I ate doughnuts and twinkies for snacks and in my lunch. Mom made spaghetti and tacos for dinner, and I could eat until I was full. When I was about 11, things started to change. All of a sudden, I started to go through puberty, and I got chubby in places I didn’t like. I always thought my thighs were fat. They spread out and covered the entire desk chair at school.

I joined the track team and started to run. I sucked as a runner, and I hated it, but I did it so I could lose weight. I was about 15 years old. Then, I heard that if you smoked you could stay thin, so I started smoking. That is a habit that took me almost 25 years to break. When I was 17, my mom decided to lose weight, so she went on a diet called PermaSlim. It was part of the big low-fat craze of the 1970’s. I probably weighed about 125 pounds at the time. She started it, so I started it too. I hid Dexatrim in my dresser, I lived on soda crackers and diet coke, and at 5’7″ tall, I ended up at 113 pounds. My clothes were falling off of me. I would do sit ups in bed in order to burn calories. I was battling an eating disorder, but they didn’t call it that then. Eventually, luckily, I started to eat again and then I left for college.

When I got to college, I weighed 113, by Christmas break I weighed 129 and by the time I got married the end of my 2nd year of college, I was at 143. In less than 2 years, I had gained 30 pounds, all while working full-time and attending school full-time. I got pregnant the next year, and went from 143 to 211 in 9 months. After my daughter was born in March of 1986, I went on one of my more extreme diets. I skipped breakfast, had an 8 ounce yogurt for lunch, and a salad with fat-free dressing for dinner. I took a high impact aerobics class at the college. The rest of the day I drank Diet Coke and smoked cigarettes. I was going to be thin again if it killed me. I got back to about 140 pounds by her second birthday.

Then my husband lost his job and we moved. I got pregnant with my second daughter. This pregnancy went pretty well, I only ended up getting back up around 190 with her, and most of it I lost right away. Of course, I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and didn’t give up the Diet coke. I was so afraid of getting fat again. After she was born, I went to TOPS (Take off Pounds Sensibly). The day of the meetings, I wouldn’t eat all day. I would barely drink water because I was going to get weighed in. I got back again to about 140 or so by her first birthday.

When she was 2, I found out I was pregnant again. This was kind of a stressful time, as we had only planned on two kids, but God had other plans for us. With this third pregnancy, I climbed back up to about 220. After I gave birth to a beautiful 9 pound boy, I went home to care for three children under 7 of my own, plus I provided child care. I had 8 children all under 7 in my house. I wasn’t overeating, I was cooking very well and I was running non-stop for about 10 hours a day. By the time my son was 1, I was still over 200 pounds. I tried starving myself, but would give up after a week or so. I bought a Nordic Track, but when you weight 200 pounds and smoke a pack or more of cigarettes a day, the frustration of that was just to much, so I didn’t stay with it. I tried lots of things, nothing worked, so for many years I gave up. Plus, I firmly believe that in the back of my mind, I was afraid that if I lost weight again, I would get pregnant again…a mental block that kept me from being successful.

When my son was 9, I decided to quit smoking. Cigarettes had just gone to $21 a carton, and I couldn’t rationalize spending that. Plus, I was up to 2 packs a day. I couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without losing my breath. I quit cold turkey in May of 2001. On that day, I started walking instead of smoking. I traded one addiction for another. At first I was walking a mile or so a day, but soon it headed up into 3, 4 then 7 or 8 miles per day as the addiction grew. This was also about the time that I discovered yoga. I started practicing yoga daily to help me to stay calm and reduce stress.

I decided in mid- 2002 that I wanted to run a marathon before I turned 40. I didn’t have much time, so I started training. The diet addiction hit again at this time. In order to run a marathon, I would have to be thin, right? I dropped my daily intake of calories to about 1200 and was running 30 miles or so a week, plus lifting weights or doing some kind of resistance training 4-5 times per week as well. I was working out about 2 hours a day on 1200 calories. I was only losing about 1- 1 1/2 lbs a week because my body had kicked into starvation mode. It was holding onto whatever it could to keep me alive. I passed out one day, when my blood pressure got to low. I didn’t stop my quest though. I was doing a daily run and a daily workout video, no matter what. When we got to the race, I weighed 143 pounds. This was after almost a year of eating nothing and working out excessively. My hair was falling out, I had dark circles under my eyes and I was pale. My blood pressure was so low, I got dizzy alot, but God help me I was thin!!

After the race, the only thing I wanted was a Big Mac at McDonalds. I ate it, and when we got home I weighed 148. I had gained 5 pounds after running a marathon, and eating nothing else bad the entire weekend except a Big Mac. This was disheartening to me. I wouldn’t even drink Gatorade at the water stops because I didn’t want to take in the extra calories. I had a problem and I needed to face it.

When we got back from the race, I started to eat a bit more and eased off the exercise a bit. I was still getting in at least an hour a day, but some days it was just teaching yoga, other days running, and other days resistance. I started to gain back weight. This scared me.

I have over the years evened out between 160 and 175 pounds for the most part. I can gain 5 pounds in a weekend if we travel somewhere. It takes me a month or better to lose it again. It is a constant and lifelong battle that I need to face. Coming from “heavy German and Scandinavian stock”, I work hard to maintain where I am at. I will not say it is easy and it never will be for me, but it is worth the effort. I can run a half marathon without thinking about it much. I can do push-ups and sit-ups with the best of them. I am strong and fit, even if I am not stick thin, and you can’t see my 6-pack abs.

I teach 7-10 yoga classes a week, with most of them being either sculpt or power classes. I run 3 or 4 times a week too and do some BeachBody workouts in between. It is truly my passion to help others find their own level of fitness. It isn’t the same for everyone, and I don’t want anyone to get discouraged because they don’t look like the people in the DVD’s or the models in the magazine. Be you, find your place and be happy with yourself. This is the lesson I want you to take from this story of mine.

Yes, I still need to keep track of what I eat. I have to make conscious choices about my food, I need to spend time everyday being a bit hungry. I fight myself to not obsess over food and exercise, but it is a battle everyday.

You can accomplish your goals, just know that once you get there, you will need to work hard to maintain it. It can’t be a diet, it has to be a lifestyle change. You can never go back to the old ways or you will gain back the weight you worked so hard to lose. The satisfaction you will get is knowing that you can keep up with your kids, you can climb stairs without losing your breath and you will be comfortable in your own skin! Ok, I do eat a doughnut every once in a while now because I really like them, but then I pay attention the next day.

If you are ready to take the next step, I would love to help you! I want to help you to become the best you you can be…I want to help you learn to love yourself, find a healthy relationship with food and fitness…

Are you ready??

email me at simplicityquest@gmail.com or visit my website at http://www.yogafitnesswellness.com